"A Bad Day at the Supermarket"

(Written 11/15/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

I generally detest going to a supermarket, for reasons that will soon become obvious.

But the other day I broke down and went because I was out of so many things that Sheetz, CVS, and mini-marts don't sell.

It turned out to be more torture than usual. Martin's has rearranged many things since I was last there a year (?) ago, so I had to double back for stuff, ask clerks, etc. I still have no idea where the cookies are are because, frankly, I got tired of looking stupid. And even though I *tried* to minimize my costs, I knew I was going to take a big hit.

So, exasperated from it all, I finally headed to the checkout line. I *hate* checkout lines because I *always* pick the worst one, even though I'm always absolutely sure it's the very best one. There were about 10 to choose from, and I surveyed them with my usual keen eye. I noticed one that had just the current person being checked out while all the rest also had one or two other people in line. Ah AH!, I thought.

When I looked closer, it seemed EVEN better. The checkout gal was almost finished with the customer... just 3' of groceries remaining on the conveyor belt. Great! So I quickly jumped in line and started unloading my groceries, joyful that I'd SOON be finished with this ordeal. HA!

But I knew deep down that disaster was about to strike. It always does with me and checkout lines. In the past, that's included such wonders as a customer on food stamps who hadn't properly separated her groceries, a woman who near as I could tell wanted to pay in all pennies, and people with bouncing checks.

I suddenly got suspicious when the customer first pulled a credit card out of her purse and then ALSO pulled a special purse out of her bigger purse. Uh oh! Not good! No, say it isn't so! But alas, it be so. The dreaded COUPON purse!

By then I had already unpacked half my groceries from my cart, so I was toast.

I think the woman was going for at least a Personal Best if not a world record for coupon savings. But she only had the one full cart, so I thought the world record was out of the question. I asked her how much she had saved and whether it was a personal best. She said, "Just over $100, but that's not even close to a Personal Best."

I didn't inquire further. ugghhh When I was finished paying for my measly $221.04 worth of groceries, I noticed my PUNY $10.81 in "bonuscard savings." I *should* start clipping coupons, obviously. But I won't. I'm a lazy butt head.

"To Whiny, Bitchy Stewardesses"

(Written 11/12/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

I recently received an email about "13 Things Your Flight Attendant Won't Tell You." It and my responses to the princesses are below. Enjoy...

<< 1. Want to start off on the wrong foot with me? Put your carry-on in a full overhead bin, leave it sticking out six inches, then take your seat at the window and wait for someone else (me!) to come along and solve the physics problem you just created. >>
Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I thought the new $100 check-in bag fee your MegaProfit Airlines just added would cover that. Is it okay now if I go back to my $10 drink and $8 snack while leaning my head on my $7 pillow and watching the $10 movie?

<< 2. You disarm an unruly passenger by introducing yourself, asking his name, and saying something like ‘I’ve been incredibly nice to you for three hours. Why are you treating me like this?’ Generally that gets the other passengers on your side—and sometimes they’ll even applaud. >>
They're applauding only because they've been wedged into YOUR itsy-bitsy seats for three hours. ANY motion help keeps their muscles from totally locking up.

<< 3. We don't have a boyfriend in every city. And our median age these days is 44. >>
Can I have my $12 "sleep package" now, or aren't you done whining yet?

<< 4. An all-too-common scenario? I hand you a cup of coffee and say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ I say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ Come on, people. What do you think we’re going to ask after we’ve handed you coffee? Your favorite color? >>
I'm still DEAF from that connecting flight from Pittsburg to Miami with a stopover in your "hub" in Los Angeles, so please write down anything you want me to "hear."

<< 5. If you’re traveling with a small child and you keep hearing bells, bells, and more bells, please look to see if it’s your child playing with the flight attendant call bell. >>
Oh good, I thought the ringing in my ears was from the connecting flight.

<< 6. The lavatory door is not rocket science. Just push. >>
Oh? But minorly rearranging luggage in an overhead bin IS rocket science?

<< 7. If you have a baby, bring diapers. If you’re diabetic, bring syringes. If you have high blood pressure, don’t forget your medication. That way, I’m not trying to make a diaper out of a sanitary pad and a pillowcase or asking over the intercom if someone has a spare inhaler. >>
In my mad rush to get here FOUR hours before takeoff so that your buddies could strip search me looking for deadly deodorant containers, I must've forgotten something.

<< 8. Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket! >>
I'll *try* to coordinate my snoring with the SCREAMS of the FIVE babies on this flight whenever there's a slight change in cabin pressure, okay?

<< 9. If you’re traveling overseas, do yourself a favor and bring a pen... you need one to fill out the immigration forms. >>
A pen? You're whining like a 3-year-old girl over a frickin' PEN?!?!?! Why don't y'all just charge an extra $50 as a "Cheapass Pen" fee???

<< 10. Passengers are always coming up to me and tattling on each other. Can you tell him to put his seat up?’ ‘She won’t share the armrest.’ What am I, a preschool teacher? >>
Fine, *I* will deal with the 400 lb. Sumo wrestler sitting next to me who's jacked up on bennies and struggling to get out of his $59 "extra wide" seat so he can come after YOU because you STILL haven't brought him his *twelve* $9 "snackboxes." Please let me know YOUR full name so I can include it in the law suit I'm going to file when he picks ME up and throws ME across the center row seats into the next aisle.

<< 11. I hate working flights to destinations like Vail and West Palm Beach. The passengers all think they’re in first class even if they’re not. They don’t do what we ask. And the overhead bins are full of their mink coats. >>
I'll keep that in mind when I return to the shithole where *I* live with my wife, who wears a secondhand "good Republican cloth coat."

<< 12. Do you really have to go to the bathroom right now, while we’re wrestling a 250-pound food cart down the aisle? You can’t wait 90 seconds for us to pass? >>
No, I *can't* wait. I've had explosive diarrhea for 40 years. If you don't get out of my way right NOW, I'll turn around, pull my pants down, bend over, and BAWHOOOSH all over your stupid cart. Then YOU get to clean up the mess. Sooooo... YOU have 10 seconds to move your butt out of my way. Tick tock!

<< 13. Is it that difficult to say hello and goodbye? We say it 300 times on every flight, and only about 40 people respond. >>
I'm soooooo sorry, I was busy screaming in pain after the Idiot in front of me suddenly slammed his seat all the way back, into the knees on my 35" legs.

"The Swami is Now Officially His Grandfather!"

(Written 11/7/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

The Swami is NOT pleased to be mistaken for his maternal grandfather! His granddad was OLD when he died at age 66 with a full head of WHITE hair. The Swami is just 64 and YOUNG!

The Swami blames it ALL on the chickypoo at the Burger King today!

But The Swami was fearful. For reasons The Swami has never understood, he looks grayer right after a haircut. Something about the longer hair on top not being as gray blahblahblah. And The Swami's hair has been slowly getting grayer since his mid-40s.

But until now, The Swami's hair has still looked "dark." NOT anymore! When The Swami looked in the mirror after the barber was finished, he was SHOCKED. Suddenly The Swami's hair looked "light." When The Swami got home and looked closer, he could find barely ANY dark hairs. WTF happened?

The Swami figures there's a "tipping point" with hair when it suddenly *appears* to go from dark to light with just a small percentage change.

When he whined to the Lovely Pamela, she somewhat soothed him by saying how much more "distinguished" he looked.

The Swami was thus somewhat recovered when he went to the Burger King today. But not for long!

There was the usual squawking back and forth over the stupid drive-in microphone. Then out of nowhere the chickypoo offered The Swami a special item from the "Senior Citizen's Menu." Say WHAT!!! The Swami was both outraged AND embarrassed!

But before The Swami cut loose and vented his spleen at the poor chickypoo, she mentioned that he would also get 10% off his entire order.

The Swami is all about the $$$, so he let it slide.

The other BAD news was that The Swami COULD HAVE been getting the 10% off for the last 4.5 years, but never thought to ask. Now The Swami is pissed at himself for being such a butthead.