"My Top 10 Thoughts on Turning Age 65"

(Written 3/23/12 by ChristopherK2)

 

10. "Dang, I'm OLD, officially."

 

9.  "I thought my complexion would clear up by now."  

 

8.  "I really did NOT need for my feet to get *bigger*."

 

7.  "I dimly recall that my hair was once ALL black."

 

6.  "Women under age 40 now look like jail bait." 

 

5.  "I miss being able to slam dunk a basketball with authority.  But being a good ballroom dancer/gardener/photographer isn't half bad."

 

4.  "So many people I've known have died... I'm beginning to hate funerals.  I need some *younger* friends." 

 

3.  "I remember my wedding and honeymoon almost 31 years ago with great clarity.  Last week, however, is mostly a blur."

 

2.  "Monday I felt like I was 112.  Yesterday it seemed like I was 47.  Today's not looking all that good." 

 

And My Number 1 Thought on Turning Age 65 is...

 

1.  "I had a really funny one, but I forgot it.  Darn Senior Moments..."

"My Weirdness Detector Blows a Fuse"

(Written 2/28/12 by ChristopherK2)

 

I've long had a Weirdness Detector somewhere deep within my brain.   It explains my love of "Stupid Human Tricks" and "Dumb Criminals" articles and videos.   And every now and then it senses a "change in The Force," so to speak.   Last night The Detector sent me such an alert and today it became obvious why as I read the news on the AOL Welcome window.

The weirdness began last night while I was sleepily watching the Daytona 500 stock car race.   I normally find packs of cars driving at high speeds in circles quite conducive to sleep.   I was about 90% on the way to dreamland when suddenly a huge fireball exploded on the tv screen.   I *love* all things explosion-related, so I almost jumped out of my recliner in quickly ramming up to full attention.

And there it was in all its glory... a lone stock car far behind the pack blasting along at nearly 200 mph had suddenly hung a dead right to pick the only spot on the track able to cause a major catastrophe... a "jet dryer" (a very large truck equipped with a hang-on jet engine to blow dry the track) trudging along at about 1 mph and loaded with 200 gallons of volatile jet kerosene!   KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

It was immediately obvious that no one had been seriously injured, so I was free to enjoy the fireball stuff.   And a huge fireball on a racetrack is clearly weird enough to set off my inner detector.

But my brain was also sending a signal that there was something else also happening.   And that wouldn't become clear until I started reading AOL's Welcome window news this morning.   It seems that we're now officially going thru a period of Universal Weirdness, which have occurred randomly but repeatedly over the years.

My Weirdness Detector began screeching when I saw the headline: "Angelina Jolie's Leg has over 15,000 Fans (on Twitter)."   Now THAT is weird!   I thought everyone KNEW that even though she's one of the most beautiful women on the planet, she has SKINNY legs.  But apparently her appearance at the Oscars has led to many people finally figuring that out.

I quickly noticed many other headlines about seriously Weird Stuff: "Man Gets 3 Years for Punching Bunnies;" (WHAT?) "Alien Caught on Google Street View;" (didn't I just write about Street View the other day???) "Plane Drops Poop On New York Couple;" (ruined THAT picnic) "Waiter Spills Beer on German Chancellor;" (the 99% getting even with the 1%?) and "Hank the Cat Runs for Office in Virginia;" (a cat??? no dogs available???).

Laughing so hard by now that I could barely control the mouse, I moved on to TMZ.   And I wasn't disappointed.   It started off with "Angelina Jolie's Legs the Morning After."   Geesh, the woman has SKINNY, ugly legs, people... deal with it!   My Weirdness Detector's meter then suddenly shot up at "Rodney King-No Jail After 2nd DUI Arrest."   Yes, THAT Rodney King was back in the news, his pic staring up at me from the pages of TMZ.   How many years has it been???   Very strange...

By this point, I was almost afraid to press on to the CNN site for fear of a heart-attack-by-excessive-laughter story of truly epic proportions.   But there it was: "Doggie DNA used in Poop Crackdown"!!!   I kid you not, my loyal fans, an apartment complex in Ohio is cracking down on doggie dooty offenders by sending samples off to a lab for DNA matching to the residents' dogs and charging folks $200 a poop... er... pop.

But even a delightful Dog Dooty story didn't send me into paralyzing spasms of laughter.   Why not???   Well, I think it's because my Weirdness Detector was also letting me know that there's a LOT more weirdness to come over the next few days.   So, I'll have to restrain myself mightily.   I wouldn't want my obit to read, "He died from reading a Dumbest Criminals e-mail."

"Did Facebook Kill Love Letters?"

(Written 2/13/12 by ChristopherK2 for the MDers Over 35 Blog)

 

That's the title of an article I read the other day.  I think both that it's too specific and that it's wide of the mark.

 

I found out after my grandparents died that they were collectors of old documents.  Most were from the Civil War era and earlier and included old money, deeds, canceled checks, promissory notes, and other banking documents.

 

But nestled among them was the only one I kept.  It's a Valentine's Day card dated February 14, 1854.  The envelope is of high-quality paper heavily-embossed to make it look like lace.  The face page of the card inside is almost sheer in spots, also heavily-embossed.  It has delicate raised panels with roses affixed in the corners and hearts within garlands in the middle surrounding a larger gilt-edged panel in the center.  That panel contains a nice printed poem about friendship. 

 

The inside of the card includes what is apparently an original poem, written in an elegant script, as follows (near as I can tell):

 

     To One Absent

 

I think of thee at morning's breaks

refreshing from the night dark sea

When life and light and joy awaken

I think of thee...

 

Overall, it's a stunningly beautiful card and envelope, which would surely melt any lady's heart.

 

In my view, the difference between then and now isn't the fault of social media, but just changes in style over time.  I have written some love letters, but geesh, who has the time to do a card like that one from scratch?  And where would you even find paper of that quality or the panels?

 

I suppose I could do all of that but perhaps I'm just unwilling to take the time?  Maybe I just "settle" for penning a quick romantic comment inside of a nice card from Hallmark along with some pretty flowers and/or chocolates. And maybe I don't do any more than that because women today don't demand (or reward) it.

 

But at least I don't lower my standards to the modern texting equivalent of "Happy V-Day.  Luv U."  

"90-Day Warranty on Toilet Seats???"

(Written 1/21/12 by ChristopherK2)

 

I recently went to Lowe's to exchange a busted toilet.  I was already in a foul mood because it had only lasted EIGHT months. 

 

I bought it because it was the right shape (round), color (white), and style (Arts & Crafts).  I paid scant attention to who made it or where it was made because, after all, I was buying it at Lowe's.

 

Those who know me know I'm hardly of "toilet seat busting" size.  But I apparently did a strict no-no in the modern buyer-beware-it's-made-in-China retail world.  I dared to actually SIT on the seat cover while putting on/taking off my shoes and socks.  I know... DUMB.  <cough>  I'm guessing that led to excessive torquing of the "metal" hinges (because the little support thingies between the seat and cover were too wimpy and too few), which snapped.  And by "metal," I now understand that to mean, "some gray semi-metal looking stuff that's probably a mix of cheap plastic and floor-sweepings."

 

So, I dutifully went to the Return Desk at Lowe's and showed the Return Gal the busted seat and my receipt.  She informed me that it's "store policy" that toilet seats are guaranteed for ONLY 90 days.  WHAT??? 

 

She also said they didn't accept "used" toilet seats, and I'd have to get rid of it myself.  Well, harumph!  I had even cleaned all of the crud off of it!

 

I spent most of my adult career as a corporate attorney and part of it in high-end professional sales.  So, I had a LOT of training and experience in negotiating, and I wasn't about to let that "store policy" stand in my way.

 

I looked around and noticed that the returns desk was right beside the main entrance.  Ah HA!  I then waited for a potential customer to enter and raised my voice considerably to inform the Return Gal that their policy was UNacceptable and that I wished to speak to a "manager."  I may have mentioned the THOUSANDS of dollars I've spent at their store remodeling my house.

 

She made a brief phone call, and informed me that they would (with graciousness implied) "allow" me to exchange mine for another one of the same model.  WHAT???  I said, "Do you mean you want me to accept another 90-day toilet seat???"  <voice rising more, as I got on a roll>  "I think toilet seats ought to LAST 20 YEARS, NOT just 90 days!  Seriously, do you want me showing up here EVERY 89 DAYS to swap my then conveniently-broken one for another piece of made-in-China CRAP???" 

 

The poor gal decided to dump me on the manager of the toilet seat department, which is what I wanted all along... a face-to-face meeting with a guy who doesn't care.

 

The Toilet Seat Guy was yammering with another customer when I arrived, so I checked out the other available toilet seats.  When he finally got around to me, I repeated everything (in a quiet voice because no one else was around).  I ended with showing him the Kohler seat I wanted, which had a *1-year* warranty printed on the box.

 

He started to waver a bit, so I threw in a rant about having to dispose of the old one MYSELF and showed him how sparkling clean it was.  I said something about the unfairness of that policy given that they accept those high-tech light bulbs with the poisonous mercury or something inside of them.  Mercury yes, toilet seat crud no?  

 

So, he caved.  He gave me a "store credit" for the full price of the old seat, and off I went with my fancy new toilet seat.  It's not my fav Arts & Crafts style, BUT it does have a really cool "quiet close" feature.  Kudos to whomever invented that!

 

The moral here I think is that loudly feigning outrage almost always pays off with stores.

 

When I got home, the first thing I did was, of course, to calendar one year ahead to bust my new toilet seat and return it.  HA!  And I now sit on the edge of the bathtub to do my shoes and socks, to avoid offending the Toilet Seat Gods.

Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" Speech

(Delivered from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963.)

...Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.  We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. ...

I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream.  It is a dream deeply rooted in the American Dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:  "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. ...

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day... little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers...

I have a dream that one day... the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope.  This is the faith that I go back to the South with. ...  With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.  With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together...  to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day...

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true.  So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.  Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.  Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.  Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado. ...

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of that old Negro spiritual, "Free at last!  Free at last!  Thank God almighty, we are free at last."

Rev. Martin Luther King