"Gingerbread Man Armpits and Headless Mannequin Boobage"

(Written by ChristopherK2 11/27/12.)

When a man goes shopping with his lady for clothes for her, he's mindful of several rules. For example, he instantly, reflexively, and loudly says "NO!!!" to any inquiry as to whether an item makes her butt look fat. He's also supposed to frequently compliment her exquisite tastes, and otherwise just generally shut the heck up.

So, the man often has little to actually DO during these trips, especially when she takes 15 or so items to the Ladies' Dressing Room.

I completed such an excursion yesterday with Pamela and it was successful in the sense that she bought a bunch of stuff that she seemed happy with (so far!), and my butt wasn't terribly flat from all of the sitting.

And the sitting is a part of the process most men intensely dislike. We like to DO things and idly sitting (as opposed to *actively* sitting like when watching football on TV) does NOT qualify . So we mostly sit while aimlessly glancing at random crap (NOT other women, of course), thinking about upcoming sporting events, picking our nose, etc.

So, as I'm sitting while Pamela's trying on stuff, I notice two things about Penney's Ladies' Wear section: they use *headless* mannequins; and they have large seasonal signs hanging from the ceiling featuring Xmas themes, notably, Gingerbread Men.

As to the Headless Mannequins, I had a few thoughts. The first being, WHY headless??? The only reason I could see was that they could make them taller without offending more of the Munchkin Women. Another thought involved one lady mannequin with a VERY see-through blouse. Is a Guy allowed to get even mildly aroused by Headless Lady Mannequin Boobage??? How close can he move to it without violating some Puritanical societal rule that leads to being labeled a perv?

Then I noticed that the seasonal signs hanging down all had five or so little light bulbs twinkling away. The Xmas tree ones, for example, had the twinkling lights where you'd expect tree ornaments to be. Kinda cute. But the Gingerbread Man had one at one of his armpits. WTF??? I had never devoted a thought to Gingerbread Man Armpits before. Does one of Penney's maintenance guys have to spray them every day with Mennen for Gingerbread Men? Are they hairy or furry or... hmmm... nude?

But I suppose it could've been worse... they could've put a light bulb at his crotch to twinkle the day away. But I guess that would've raised WAY too many questions. Well, at least for the Guy sitting and waiting for his Lady to *finally* make up her mind about whether she looks better in the Chartreuse & Brown top or the Strawberry Blend one.

"The Top 10 Things I'm Thankful For"

(Written 11/22/12 by ChristopherK2.)

10. A wonderful childhood being raised in scenic Hagerstown, especially during the idyllic 1950s.

 9. A great family, especially Mom and my big brother, David.

 8. A splendid education, especially the schools in Hagerstown and the University of Delaware.

 7. My fraternity, Pi Kappa Alpha, which has added so much to my life.

 6. My many friends/brothers I've been lucky to have thru my fraternity, especially Brad and Ervil.

 5. The fun and learning experiences of my many hobbies over the years, especially ballroom dancing and photography.

 4. The many friendships I've made in real life thru my connection to AOL.

 3. The enjoyment of the many sports I've been involved with, especially golf, basketball, and football.

 2. The many smaller things throughout my life, such as computers, interesting jobs, being tall and thin, and so many other good friends and acquaintances.

And the Number 1 Thing I'm Thankful for is...

1. The presence in my life of my beloved fiancée, Pamela...

"Okay, So I Was WRONG About Farts!"

(Written 11/10/12 by ChristopherK2.)

Yeah, I occasionally give friends sound advice about virtually EVERYTHING. And I *thought* I was a world-class expert about Farts. But apparently NOT.

The particular issue was Backed Up Farts. As some of you know, I sometimes sleep in my recliner chair owing to a 40+ year battle with a hiatal hernia. If I feel even slightly too full as bedtime approaches, sitting in the chair is far less likely to cause further damage than laying in a bed.

And I had noticed over the years that sleeping in the chair inevitably led to a rather large amount of farting shortly after waking. My working theory was that sitting tended to just kinda stop up things, as contrasted with what I *assumed* was the normal slow "passing of gas" throughout a night spent in bed.  I recently so advised a friend who's going thru a temporary forced sitting rather than laying rather than laying situation to be aware of the dreaded Backed Up Farts.

I thought only later that I really should check the Science of Farts before passing on my advice based purely on personal experience. So, I did my usual super-scientific research and found that <gasp> I was totally WRONG. I was mortified (but not enough to update my friend... well, unless she happens to read this). I glommed onto a site via Google that seemed purely scientific and on point ("Facts on Farts" at www.heptune.com/farts.html).

It is the end-all-and-be-all of All Things Farts. It has fascinating sections on "What is fart gas made of?," "Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?," and my fav, "Where do farts go when you hold them in?"

But I digress... The answer to my question was in the section on "Do ALL people fart in their sleep?" The complete answer is, "All people (don't) fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so as they're dozing off. For other [normal] people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening."

So, near as I can tell, when I sleep in my bed, I apparently fart uncontrollably as I fall asleep and thus there is nothing left for early a.m. Backed Up Farts. (I'll be sure to soon ask Pamela to verify my Bedtime Farting Schedule.) But when I sleep in my recliner chair, I follow the normal routine (perhaps I subconsciously don't want to slowly destroy the chair's fabric over time with close-up, direct Bedtime Farting), so I hold the farts in til I awaken.

"Life is Good! Let's Dance!"

(Written 7/10/12 by ChristopherK2)

 

Just imagine getting paid to spend your life traveling around the world dancing with the local people (and one oddly-coordinated seal), especially if you're an absolutely terrible dancer who usually looks like you're doing the Funky Chicken dead drunk.

 

I stumbled into the story of Matt Harding on, strangely enough, my fav astrophysics site.  Matt describes himself as a "35-year-old deadbeat."  He's been lucky enough to pull this off for almost 10 years now, by finding sponsors who use the video footage in tv commercials and such.  He's also a YouTube sensation with one of his videos reaching more than 40 million views.

 

His latest video is at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwe-pA6TaZk.  He also has his own YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/mattharding2718?feature=results_main.  There you can find many other similar videos.

 

His story is at http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/about, and his FAQ are at http://www.wherethehellismatt.com/about/faq. 

 

A fair warning about that first video.  You're going to SMILE a lot, you WILL clap your hands, and you'll inevitably WANT to get up out of your chair and DANCE the Funky Chicken and other dances along with Matt and his crowds...

 

So, let go of your inhibitions!  Smile!  Clap!  And DANCE!  Life is Good!

Below are side-by-side pics of me (age 50) and my maternal uncle Mike (~age 22).  Eerie, isn't it?  He was Mom's little (6'3", maybe 150 lbs.) brother.  He was killed in WWII during the invasion of Normandy.  I wrote this prayer poem many years ago in honor of Mike, and have posted it regularly ever since on Memorial Day.

"Today, I Remember"

    To the soldiers who, like my Uncle Mike, gave their lives for our country:

          Too often I forget about you, but today, I remember.
          My thoughts are crowded with images of the Hell you confronted.
          You fought those demons, and I am awed by the bravery you summoned.
          Your blood was spilled in countless places, all now hallowed grounds.
          You sacrificed yourself for us, and I am humbled by your deeds.
          You left behind friends and family, who must be so very proud.
          But there is a hole in their lives that cannot be filled.
          No mere words can properly convey the feelings that I have, now.
          But, from a grateful citizen, thank you.
          May your souls rest in eternal peace.
          And I pray that there is a special place in Heaven reserved for you.

          And to my Uncle Mike, this much more:

          Your life and death have touched so many, in ways that are still being tallied.
          I pray that you, Grandma, Granddad, Helen, Hilda, Celia,
            Dad, Mom, and David are together again.
          The rest of us will join you, soon enough.
          And then our family can be whole, again.

          You died in a lonely battlefield in France, surrounded by unimaginable horror.
          You were so alone then... how did you find the courage?
          And how do I find it?  Is it within me?
          You are so much a part of me, and I can never forget you.
          For every time I look in the mirror, I also see you.

          But today is a special day.
          I honor the memory of you with this writing.
          I know that it is small, compared to the sacrifice that you made.
          But, from a grateful citizen, thank you.
          And from your nephew, thank you for what you gave me.
          May your soul rest in eternal peace.

          By Christopher

          Copyright 5/26/97, 5/30/99, 5/29/00, 5/28/01, 5/30/05, 5/29/06, 5/28/07, 5/28/12