"Merry Christmas from Hagerstown"

(Written 12/24/11 by ChristopherK2)

This is a mediocre pic of part of the Christmas lights display at the Hagerstown City Park.  I tried to take one earlier this evening, but forgot my tripod.  I'll try to get another one soon. 

Til then, a very Merry Christmas to all...

"The Top 10 NEW Redskins Team Activities..."

My Redskins are having a horrible year which (hopefully) reached its nadir yesterday with the reported upcoming suspensions by the NFL for the rest of the year of two of the Redskins best players, for use of a "recreational drug."  So, to make some light out of a dreadful situation...

 

The Top 10 NEW Redskins Team Activities...

10. Passing doobies around in the huddles.                                                  

9.  Going to the Reflecting Pool and watching all the pretty lights.  

8.  Trying to break the All-NFL team record for chowing down Double Stuf Oreos in 10 minutes.

7.  Watching the original "Star Wars" on a rookie's 108" movie screen from the front row.

6.  Dancing to the Rolling Stones' "Brown Sugar" when it's played on the stadium sound system between quarters. 

5.  Ben & Jerry's taste-testing parties.

4.  Doing bong hits while searching YouTube for new Stoner videos. 

3.  Hoovering the Munchies table after Bad Rex throws another interception, fumbles again, gets called for intentional grounding, etc.

2.  Giggling hysterically at Coach Shanahan's Yo' Momma jokes. 

And the Number 1 New Redskins Team Activity is...

1. Trying to get to the end of this list without getting distracted.

"A Bad Day at the Supermarket"

(Written 11/15/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

I generally detest going to a supermarket, for reasons that will soon become obvious.

But the other day I broke down and went because I was out of so many things that Sheetz, CVS, and mini-marts don't sell.

It turned out to be more torture than usual. Martin's has rearranged many things since I was last there a year (?) ago, so I had to double back for stuff, ask clerks, etc. I still have no idea where the cookies are are because, frankly, I got tired of looking stupid. And even though I *tried* to minimize my costs, I knew I was going to take a big hit.

So, exasperated from it all, I finally headed to the checkout line. I *hate* checkout lines because I *always* pick the worst one, even though I'm always absolutely sure it's the very best one. There were about 10 to choose from, and I surveyed them with my usual keen eye. I noticed one that had just the current person being checked out while all the rest also had one or two other people in line. Ah AH!, I thought.

When I looked closer, it seemed EVEN better. The checkout gal was almost finished with the customer... just 3' of groceries remaining on the conveyor belt. Great! So I quickly jumped in line and started unloading my groceries, joyful that I'd SOON be finished with this ordeal. HA!

But I knew deep down that disaster was about to strike. It always does with me and checkout lines. In the past, that's included such wonders as a customer on food stamps who hadn't properly separated her groceries, a woman who near as I could tell wanted to pay in all pennies, and people with bouncing checks.

I suddenly got suspicious when the customer first pulled a credit card out of her purse and then ALSO pulled a special purse out of her bigger purse. Uh oh! Not good! No, say it isn't so! But alas, it be so. The dreaded COUPON purse!

By then I had already unpacked half my groceries from my cart, so I was toast.

I think the woman was going for at least a Personal Best if not a world record for coupon savings. But she only had the one full cart, so I thought the world record was out of the question. I asked her how much she had saved and whether it was a personal best. She said, "Just over $100, but that's not even close to a Personal Best."

I didn't inquire further. ugghhh When I was finished paying for my measly $221.04 worth of groceries, I noticed my PUNY $10.81 in "bonuscard savings." I *should* start clipping coupons, obviously. But I won't. I'm a lazy butt head.

"To Whiny, Bitchy Stewardesses"

(Written 11/12/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

I recently received an email about "13 Things Your Flight Attendant Won't Tell You." It and my responses to the princesses are below. Enjoy...

<< 1. Want to start off on the wrong foot with me? Put your carry-on in a full overhead bin, leave it sticking out six inches, then take your seat at the window and wait for someone else (me!) to come along and solve the physics problem you just created. >>
Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I thought the new $100 check-in bag fee your MegaProfit Airlines just added would cover that. Is it okay now if I go back to my $10 drink and $8 snack while leaning my head on my $7 pillow and watching the $10 movie?

<< 2. You disarm an unruly passenger by introducing yourself, asking his name, and saying something like ‘I’ve been incredibly nice to you for three hours. Why are you treating me like this?’ Generally that gets the other passengers on your side—and sometimes they’ll even applaud. >>
They're applauding only because they've been wedged into YOUR itsy-bitsy seats for three hours. ANY motion help keeps their muscles from totally locking up.

<< 3. We don't have a boyfriend in every city. And our median age these days is 44. >>
Can I have my $12 "sleep package" now, or aren't you done whining yet?

<< 4. An all-too-common scenario? I hand you a cup of coffee and say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ I say, ‘Cream and sugar?’ You say, ‘What?’ Come on, people. What do you think we’re going to ask after we’ve handed you coffee? Your favorite color? >>
I'm still DEAF from that connecting flight from Pittsburg to Miami with a stopover in your "hub" in Los Angeles, so please write down anything you want me to "hear."

<< 5. If you’re traveling with a small child and you keep hearing bells, bells, and more bells, please look to see if it’s your child playing with the flight attendant call bell. >>
Oh good, I thought the ringing in my ears was from the connecting flight.

<< 6. The lavatory door is not rocket science. Just push. >>
Oh? But minorly rearranging luggage in an overhead bin IS rocket science?

<< 7. If you have a baby, bring diapers. If you’re diabetic, bring syringes. If you have high blood pressure, don’t forget your medication. That way, I’m not trying to make a diaper out of a sanitary pad and a pillowcase or asking over the intercom if someone has a spare inhaler. >>
In my mad rush to get here FOUR hours before takeoff so that your buddies could strip search me looking for deadly deodorant containers, I must've forgotten something.

<< 8. Just in case you hadn’t noticed, there are other people on the airplane besides you. So don’t clip your toenails, snore with wild abandon, or do any type of personal business under a blanket! >>
I'll *try* to coordinate my snoring with the SCREAMS of the FIVE babies on this flight whenever there's a slight change in cabin pressure, okay?

<< 9. If you’re traveling overseas, do yourself a favor and bring a pen... you need one to fill out the immigration forms. >>
A pen? You're whining like a 3-year-old girl over a frickin' PEN?!?!?! Why don't y'all just charge an extra $50 as a "Cheapass Pen" fee???

<< 10. Passengers are always coming up to me and tattling on each other. Can you tell him to put his seat up?’ ‘She won’t share the armrest.’ What am I, a preschool teacher? >>
Fine, *I* will deal with the 400 lb. Sumo wrestler sitting next to me who's jacked up on bennies and struggling to get out of his $59 "extra wide" seat so he can come after YOU because you STILL haven't brought him his *twelve* $9 "snackboxes." Please let me know YOUR full name so I can include it in the law suit I'm going to file when he picks ME up and throws ME across the center row seats into the next aisle.

<< 11. I hate working flights to destinations like Vail and West Palm Beach. The passengers all think they’re in first class even if they’re not. They don’t do what we ask. And the overhead bins are full of their mink coats. >>
I'll keep that in mind when I return to the shithole where *I* live with my wife, who wears a secondhand "good Republican cloth coat."

<< 12. Do you really have to go to the bathroom right now, while we’re wrestling a 250-pound food cart down the aisle? You can’t wait 90 seconds for us to pass? >>
No, I *can't* wait. I've had explosive diarrhea for 40 years. If you don't get out of my way right NOW, I'll turn around, pull my pants down, bend over, and BAWHOOOSH all over your stupid cart. Then YOU get to clean up the mess. Sooooo... YOU have 10 seconds to move your butt out of my way. Tick tock!

<< 13. Is it that difficult to say hello and goodbye? We say it 300 times on every flight, and only about 40 people respond. >>
I'm soooooo sorry, I was busy screaming in pain after the Idiot in front of me suddenly slammed his seat all the way back, into the knees on my 35" legs.

"The Swami is Now Officially His Grandfather!"

(Written 11/7/11 by PrancerTheSwami for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

The Swami is NOT pleased to be mistaken for his maternal grandfather! His granddad was OLD when he died at age 66 with a full head of WHITE hair. The Swami is just 64 and YOUNG!

The Swami blames it ALL on the chickypoo at the Burger King today!

But The Swami was fearful. For reasons The Swami has never understood, he looks grayer right after a haircut. Something about the longer hair on top not being as gray blahblahblah. And The Swami's hair has been slowly getting grayer since his mid-40s.

But until now, The Swami's hair has still looked "dark." NOT anymore! When The Swami looked in the mirror after the barber was finished, he was SHOCKED. Suddenly The Swami's hair looked "light." When The Swami got home and looked closer, he could find barely ANY dark hairs. WTF happened?

The Swami figures there's a "tipping point" with hair when it suddenly *appears* to go from dark to light with just a small percentage change.

When he whined to the Lovely Pamela, she somewhat soothed him by saying how much more "distinguished" he looked.

The Swami was thus somewhat recovered when he went to the Burger King today. But not for long!

There was the usual squawking back and forth over the stupid drive-in microphone. Then out of nowhere the chickypoo offered The Swami a special item from the "Senior Citizen's Menu." Say WHAT!!! The Swami was both outraged AND embarrassed!

But before The Swami cut loose and vented his spleen at the poor chickypoo, she mentioned that he would also get 10% off his entire order.

The Swami is all about the $$$, so he let it slide.

The other BAD news was that The Swami COULD HAVE been getting the 10% off for the last 4.5 years, but never thought to ask. Now The Swami is pissed at himself for being such a butthead.

Pic-of-the-Day, 10/14/11

This shot of a Cyclamen is rather unconventional, proving that you can't always follow "rules" told to you by experts (or me!).

The lighting, for example, is very subdued for a flower pic. Part of the reason for that is the second unconventional aspect--it was shot in a nursery. Nurseries feature a delightful, evenly distributed light. And it's also still in a pot rather than in the ground.

I saw it just sitting on a rack there, looking very much like a painting rather than a live plant.

The Cyclamen is a popular plant as a gift, such as for hospital patients or a house warming.

In the garden, it's commonly used in rock gardens and at the fronts of beds where its unusual late-summer blooming stands out. But be advised that it can be difficult to grow well because it's very finicky about its environment.

Pic-of-the-Day, 10/9/11

This is a classic landscape shot of Rocky Gap Park... Big Sky with clouds, water, some trees, etc. The small strip of land in the foreground acts as part of a frame. And it's slightly off-center.

It's also an example, for me, of the advantages of film (especially slides) over digital. I don't think even a very good digital camera could've handled this because of the huge "dynamic range" (the range from the darkest dark color to the lightest light color). I think a digital camera would turn the forested hills into great swaths of dull, dark green.

Another advantage of film is that it has much more information in it than a digital capture. A very good digicam shot has 10 MB or so of data. When I scan a slide, I start with *50* MB of data. In this shot, that extra data allowed me to better expose the mountains during my editing.

"My Regrets List"

(Written 10/8/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

I've seen a lot of recent buzz about "bucket lists" (plans to do stuff before you die). Most lists I've seen relate to ideas that take lots of money and not much preparation time, like traveling to the Pyramids. I'm not much of a traveler, so most of those don't appeal to me.

Although I could probably think up a list of similar items, it mainly got me to thinking about regrets for other things I never did earlier in my life and for which it is now realistically too late. Like say, having children or setting a world record in any sport. I'm not sure that regrets is the right word either. It's more like I wonder that ages old question... what if?

What if I had decided to concentrate on one sport instead of being pretty good at a dozen? Would I have become a pro golfer or bowler (my two best)? How would my life then have been different? You can beat yourself silly with questions like that, so I moved on to easier questions, especially things that I could still possibly do.

I've long regretted that I never took a basic course in music. If I had, I probably would've been a much better dancer and enjoyed it a lot more. Is it too late now? Should I take a piano course? I already, for strange reasons, have a piano that just collects dust.

Art and music appreciation are two other areas I wish I had explored. I can barely draw a stick figure, but do I have a hidden talent at, say, landscapes? And maybe I'm an unknown lover of opera?

Foreign languages are something I think I *should* have done, so I probably won't now. But I still feel that any truly educated person should know at least one foreign language.

Another area I've been thinking about is my lengthy To Do lists (I have several). I've always followed the old axiom to start at #1 and work my way down. But that has meant that I never ever get below maybe #15. So #50 has ZERO chance of EVER getting done. Maybe once a year or so, I should stand convention on its head and start at the BOTTOM of a list.

Or maybe--and this is the most likely choice--I'll continue to be guided by Robert Frost's wonderful words:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Yeah, I like that...

Pic-of-the-Day, 10/3/11

The Bird of Paradise spathe and flower shown above is fascinating, but you're very unlikely to see one in this area. That's because it's native to South Africa. It needs lots of heat and can't tolerate cold, and thus would be extremely difficult to grow around here. In the U.S., you'll see them in abundance in southern Florida and southern California, and a few other parts of the deep south.

So, how did I manage to get a nice pic of one? That's easy, Longwood Gardens grows them in their conservatory! Longwood Gardens has been one of my favorite places on earth since college. It's in Kennett Square, PA and its web site is http://www.longwoodgardens.org/.

Its conservatory alone has 4.5 acres of display space. Overall, Longwood Gardens covers more than 1,000 acres, displays 11,000 different types of plants, and includes 40 separate gardens. Last I knew, it's handled by 160 gardeners.

So, it's a wonderful place for a day trip. I try to get there once a year, usually for a 2-day visit.

"It's My 15th (Chat Room) Anniversay!"

(Written 9/27/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

Although I can't be certain of the exact date, it was this time of the year in 1996 that I first entered the Marylanders (its name back then) chat room. So, I'm counting today as my official 15th anniversary with this chat room group. Yeah me!!!

I had joined AOL in the summer of 1996 mainly to read various magazines and newspapers online. A few months later I read about the chat rooms and thought they sounded interesting. I was living alone in Scottsdale, AZ, far from my Maryland home. So I thought it might be interesting to try chatting with folks from my old stomping grounds.

That small decision has led to 15 years of ups and downs, but mostly some great memories and outcomes. A few of them follow...

Great Women: Not only did I meet my wonderful fiancée thru AOL, but a lot of others who were "just friends." Ladyhawg (Nancy), for example, was not just gorgeous, but also intelligent, educated, tall, funny, and she lived life large. There were many others, like Lady Exec, ZimaGal, VickiSue, and (pre-Zombie) HamOnWry. Some I've remained in touch with, much to my delight.

Social Functions: These were very popular back then for several years. The second one I attended, for example, was a semi-formal Valentine's Day dinner dance with about 200 people. I went to many of the nightclub events, but that wasn't really my thing. I mostly enjoyed the family picnic atmosphere at Clark's Restaurant... good food, sports, swimming, music, etc.

I Rediscovered Photography: That interest had been dormant since my marriage ended eight years earlier. But self-pics were rare on AOL at the time. So I bought a flatbed scanner after I returned to Maryland, and began taking pics at social functions. I photographed hundreds of AOLers, and my interest in photography in general took off.

I Rediscovered my Interest in Creative Writing: I hadn't written anything creative for many years. But in the early years of AOL, message boards were quite popular. So, I joined several and began again to write poetry, fiction, editorials, and much else. And I obviously still do a lot of writing.

The Chat Rooms: They've always reflected the overall group, so they've gone from several large rooms to two small ones, from nice adult chat to predominantly ugliness, and from crowded and dynamic to near-empty and often moribund. I don't hold out much hope for the future of our chat rooms; they are both below critical mass at this point and I see no hope of the factions combining. I see them fading away, sooner rather than later.

But no matter what happens in the near future, I'll still have left from my AOL experiences a few friends, and all those wonderful memories... oh... and a LOT of pics!

Pic-of-the-Day, 9/24/11

I doubt this pic is really all that good, but it's one of my favs. That's probably because it appeals so strongly to my mathematical brain because of all the vertical, horizontal, and slanted lines. It's soooooooo, well, orderly. LOL

And it's another example of just being alert to the world around you. I had taken some fall foliage pics near the lake about 200 yards behind me and was walking back to my car (up the steps and to the left) trudging along with a lot of equipment (camera, tripod, large bag of stuff, etc.).

The first thing that caught my eye was the blues in the steps, followed by the wonderful light, and then the tunnel effect of all the rafters, etc.

I think only slide film could've captured the range of darks and lights without losing the very attractive details.

And a final note: I shot this because it very much pleased my eye, which is all that really matters...

Pic-of-the-day, 9/19/11

(Written 9/19/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

This shot was taken at our local city park. The vast dynamic range of slides allowed me to keep the trees from turning into giant blobs of green, and the sun's reflections from turning into pure white streaks.

Another lesson I drew from this is to be prepared for a good scene even when you least expect it. In this case I was hauling my equipment just before sunrise from the parking lot (to the left of the scene) to a pretty rose bush (well behind the trees on the right, near that bridge) I had been meaning to photograph.

Luckily, I noticed the pretty scene to my left as I was walking by...

"Pic-of-the-Day, 9-14-11"

(Written 9/14/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

This is a pic of my fav gazebo at our City Park. I was lucky to grow up just a few hundred yards from this spot.

It's a wonderful place for a family picnic, or just to use as cover from the oppressive sun and heat of a summer day.

It's not possible to show all of the beautiful scenery within view from there. To the left about 50' is the large lake at the north end of the park. Maybe 150' behind the camera, the stream emerges from a wellspring, and flows thru a small pond and under a gorgeous bridge. Yet another, unseen, stream behind the gazebo flows to the lake from a larger pond to the right, which in turn is beside a scenic bridge and the south end of the park.

Is it any wonder why I moved back to Hagerstown?

"Yeah, Call Me Shallow"

(Written 9/12/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

I doubt that I'm alone here, but I have a whole lot of reasons for totally rejecting out of hand women as possible girlfriends, and men as buddies.

The idea for this article came from comments on another blog describing Mensa's looks in glowing terms. But I could never date her because she has a "horsey" smile (she arches her upper lip a lot when smiling thereby showing off her gums). Who wants to stare at gums for the rest of their life???

And forget women who chew gum, especially bubble gum. I've had nightmares about, "Oh, yes, baby, right there!"

Another one is a local attorney who does tv commercials. The man does NOT move his upper lip when talking. It's like watching a ventriloquist! Yuck! He and I will never EVER be buddies.

Also on my list would be women who don't shave their legs or armpits, have more that one small tattoo, and women shorter than 5'4" or taller than 5'9".

And I'll never be more than acquaintances with nail-biters, lovers of cruciferous veggies, religious zealots, or anyone who uses a cutesy spelling of their first name.

Some minor annoyances are acceptable IF there are compensations. For example, I hate bumper stickers, but a woman with *great* legs is okay even if her bumper has three various-colored ribbons. NRA stickers are, of course, an automatic disqualifer.

And some characteristics are fine, in moderation, but disgusting otherwise. I like most any perfume on a woman, but if you use so much that you smell like a French whore house, goodbye! And I believe in some absolute male/female differences. I can fart, but you can't. And when we dance, ladies, *I* lead. Deal with it.

I once had a boss who was a wonderful and interesting guy, with undergraduate and law degrees from Harvard. He had great friend potential *until* we ate together. The man ate a salad like a frickin' Hoover vacuum cleaner. He'd stab his fork deep enough into it to get about 1/3rd of a bowl, jam it into his mouth with dressing spraying all over, and then seemingly swallowed it whole. It took him about four minutes to finish a meal. I thought I was gonna hurl every time we ate together.

Yeah, I'm shallow. Sue me...

"Pic-of-the-Day, 9-10-11"

(Written 9/5/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

We are lucky here in Hagerstown to have several permanent sets of gorgeous swans in our city park. But they are a struggle to photograph because they're soooooooooooooo white. That is one thing a camera struggles with far more than the human eye. Unless you're VERY careful with your camera, it will turn large parts of the swan into blobs of pure white that lack any detail.

There are several ways to cope with that, and this pic shows one way. It was taken in a fairly shady area, thereby lessening the normal contrast. Then when you edit it, you can keep dialing up the contrast and brightness until just before the highlights start to blow out.

Another trick I used here is a visual one, which fools the human brain. The swan is in the dead center of the pic, but doesn't look like it. The slanted rock at the bottom seemingly "pushes" the swan towards the upper right, as does the submerged diagonal walkway. And the off-center lighter green reflections "pull" the swan to the right.

As I mentioned to you, I often walk around a subject for several minutes before taking the shot. After doing that for a long time, you develop a good "feel" for photos. I shot this one very quickly because I knew the swan might move along at any moment, I loved the reflected light, and I knew the large rock would look good.

"Flower-Pic-of-the-Day, 9/5/11"

(Written 9/5/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 blog)

I've decided to regularly add some of my favorite flower pics to the blog. This is, of course, because I'm in a writing dry spell and just sticking a pic on here is at least something.

This pic is of the flower (well, not so much) of a cactus I brought back with me from Arizona. The flower only lasts one day, then dies. So you have to be quick with the camera and hope it's a nice day for photography. The cactus died not long after because, really, a cactus doesn't like Maryland weather.

What you see here is mostly the base and stem of the flower because, frankly, I liked the results better. The actual flower was a rather drab white. I moved it out to Mom's driveway and shot it from above against the macadam to get a good background.

"Just a Pretty Flower"

(Written 9/3/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice Marylanders Over 35 Blog)

This is just one of the many flowers I posted in an article on Ugly's blog. (Alas, this blog isn't as picture-friendly as Ugly's).

For the rest of the pictures and the full article, go to:
http://ugliermarylanders.blogspot.com/2011/08/early-spring-is-gone-but-hooray-for.html#comments

It's probably best to skip the comments, as most are just more ugly drama.

"My (ex) Buddy, Warren Buffet"

(Written 8/31/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice Marylanders Over 35 Blog)

Investment guru Warren Buffet made the news headlines recently for investing $5 billion in Bank of America, and because shortly thereafter one part of that investment went up by $350 million in *one* day.

What's NOT known until now is MY role in all of that. So, y'all are the very first to know.

I've long been one of many "ordinary people" Warren talks to a couple of times a year in order to "keep his fingers on the pulse of America." Well, that's the way one of his stooges explained it to me years ago. We talk for about 15 minutes, and he usually just asks my general views about the economy, and sometimes about particular sectors.

I just recently figured out that all of us are considered "ordinary Idiots." Harumph! It turns out that ol' Warren likes to know what the common folk do, and then he does the *opposite* and makes a fortune.

I realized that looking back on our chats after the recent Bank of America deal. In our most recent chat before that he had asked me, seemingly innocently, what I thought of the banking sector. I replied, "Warren, banking is sooooooo last Tuesday. I and everyone I know has been dumping all of their bank stocks."

Now, I feel so used.

But I have a plan. Of course...

The next time I chat with ol' Warren, I plan on giving him a "hot tip" on buying or selling some stock, and then I will do just the opposite myself. That way, I'll become stinkin' rich when Warren does the same thing. HA!!!

"Who Knew???"

Brought to the attention of the ladies as a public service by ChristopherK2, 8/27/11...

"A 26-year-old woman is recovering from a ruptured breast implant after taking a shot to the chest during a Saturday round of paintballing.

"The woman, who has not been named, thought she was experiencing heavy bruising, but when she paid a visit to her doctor on Monday, it was discovered that her silicone breast had, in fact, exploded."

more at...

British Woman Shot in Chest with Paintball Suffers Breast Implant Blowout

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/26/paintball-bursts-breast-implant_n_937793.html?icid=maing-grid10%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdl11%7Csec3_lnk3%7C89896

"Dead Cats and Hot Blond Babe Cops"

(Written 8/25/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

I'm guessing that you've seldom seen Dead Cats and Hot Blond Babe Cops mentioned together. So, a short story, then a few questions.

The Story

Last night, I answered the door and was met by not one, but TWO, Hot Blond Babe Cops. And there was a Guy Cop in the background.

They were there just to ask me about a Dead Black Cat on my sidewalk. Say what??? They had seen the car accident that killed the cat. No, *I* don't own one, I said. (I wanted to say that I personally HATE cats, but these were Hot Blond Babes, so I didn't want to say anything negative.) I volunteered to ask a pet lover neighbor about local cats, and they asked for a shovel while I was off to my neighbor's.

By the time I returned, all of the cops were gone, and the Dead Black Cat had been moved from my sidewalk to the grass strip between the sidewalk and the street. My front door was still wide open, which minorly pissed me off.

A Few Questions

1. When Guy Cops are at my door, I get all paranoid wondering: WTF *I* did, whether they're going to Rodney King me, and just how long I'll be in jail. With Hot Blond Babe cops, I tend to flash on Playboy centerfolds. Is this normal?

2. Who actually picked up and moved the Dead Black Cat? Was it the Guy Cop, asserting his Male Superiority? Or was it one of the Hot Blond Babe cops, asserting her whatever they assert? Or did they flip coins and the Loser got the job?

3. I don't know much about traditional superstitions, but does a Dead Black Cat first on a *crack* in my sidewalk and then a few feet away in the grass strip mean that I can NEVER EVER walk anywhere near that area again in my entire life? Should I post warning signs for the many passersby? Something like, "Dead Black Cat Crossing"?

4. What's the best approach to impress a Hot Blond Babe Cop? I tend to get all "Yes, ma'am" and stuff around women in uniforms who carry large guns, nightsticks, and can surely beat my ass to a bloody pulp. But I guess I could fake anything for a few minutes.

5. The cops called "animal control" and I did so again this morning. Should I have done something else? I keep beating back images starting with a barbeque grill. ugggh...

New Room!

AOL reset the chat rooms this morning and, unfortunately, the Zombies got it back.

So, we've created a new room in the Romance Channel. It's...

Romance - EastCoastChat

Hope to see you there!

Christopher

"No, I Don't Do THAT"

(Written 8/22/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

MzTeach's earlier comments about playing with tigers gave me a flashback to the early years in my life insurance career.

Life insurance companies are, of course, interested in your health history, age, vital stats, and such when you apply for life insurance. But they're also interested in your activities. So they ask about "hazardous activities" such as mountain climbing, sky diving, hot air ballooning, and bungee jumping.

I never thought much about those until I later studied the background statistics for them as part of a course. Wow, people die a LOT MORE often from that kind of stuff than "normal" people do! So, I resolved then to never EVER engage in ANY activity that life insurance companies ask about. (Well, except smoking cigs, of course.)

I've never seen a life insurance application that asked, "Have you in the last five years rolled around in the dirt just for giggles with a tiger, cheetah, lion or other Big Cat, or do you intend to do so within the next two years?" But I think I know how life insurance companies would react, so I won't do THAT.

As to other types of hazardous activities that might concern life insurance companies, I "hear" that they constantly check YouTube for the latest... hmmm... well, "Stupid Human Stuff." One that a buddy in the industry recently sent me is this jewel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oeJjzdlTuI

I just hope their life and health insurance rates are a LOT higher than mine.

"Least Favorite Ways of Dying"

(Written 8/19/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice MDers Over 35 Blog)

I started thinking about that topic when I was watching a TV special about Big Cats. (I watch ANYTHING about them). It wasn't content with the usual "Big Cat Chases Down Dinner" bit, which is always fascinating. It went on to "Big Cats Chewing on Dinner." That was bad enough, but the Dinner was still alive and struggling to get away. The Big Cats meanwhile were chewing away like I would on a chicken drumstick.

Ugggh... but there aren't any Big Cats in Hagerspatch, so I really don't have to worry about that one. We DO have lots of feral cats and I *have* been looking at them a bit differently since that show.

So now my NEW least favorite way of dying is another current headline... "Brain-Eating Amoebas"! Ewwwwwwww... I *love* my brain!!!

Then there was the other recent headline about a groom getting killed on his honeymoon by a SHARK. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckk! This, right after another of my TV favs... "Shark Week" on the Discovery channel.

Soooooooooo, stroking out while mowing the lawn is starting to look prettttttttttty good right now. And I guess I should STOP watching nature stuff on TV and reading CNN headlines for awhile. I mean, what's next, "Mutant Goldfish Maul Bambi"??? My neighbor HAS goldfish!!!

"That Was 25 Years Ago???"

(Written 8-17-11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice Marylanders Over 35 Blog)

I was watching one of my fav movies, "Top Gun," the other night and they noted it was the movie's 25th anniversary.

I about spilled my root beer! 25 years?!?!?!?! I would've guessed maybe 10. 15 tops. But 25??? Lordy... Time sure does seem to fly when you're old and have a crappy memory.

Later, I thought back to that time, mid-1986. What was I doing then, and how much has my life changed? Just a few high-lowlights:

Back then... I was still semi-happily married with two stepsons! That ended two years later, and I haven't since remarried nor have I ever had any children of my own. Bleeh...

My career as a consulting attorney to insurance companies was going full blast. It too would end a little later. Am I sensing a trend?

Less than a year later I would turn the Big 4-0, thereby officially ending my chances to become starting quarterback for the Colts, an astronaut, and President of the U.S. ... My childhood dreams were all dead. Yep, a clear trend. "Top Gun" caused all of my misery at that time!

Back then... my mom was still a vigorous 66 (just two years older than I am now), and my brother was just 42. We were ALL sooooooooooo much younger, and full of ourselves and about our futures.

Back then... I was still in pretty good physical shape, mainly from coaching my stepsons in basketball, baseball, and soccer. Now I garden...

The World News was generally awful: The Space Shuttle Challenger blew up. The nuclear reactor at Chernobyl blew up. Pan Am Flight 73 was hijacked by Terrorists. The Iran-Contra affair blew up in our faces. Lots of blowing up that year...

But still... I'd far rather be here in my place and doing what I now do, than back then. I feel like I'm home now, and very relaxed and happy.

"Gunsmoke Reruns"

(Written 8/16/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice Marylanders Over 35 Blog)

I've recently taken to watching reruns of that ancient tv western series, "Gunsmoke," while eating lunch. It's a fine series, and I like the characters, actors, and even the plots (based on the Boy Scout Laws, near as I can tell).

But I watch them mainly because I've run out of better ideas. I've gone thru many seasons of DVD's of my fav series. But at the rate of one or two episodes a day, I went thru them quickly. That won't be a problem with "Gunsmoke," of course, because of its 300+ episodes in syndication.

I also have to fill the dinner hour and the weekends. I've run thru most everything for those slots.

I've heard that Netflix is good for that, but it sounds complicated to hook up as far as downloading them off the internet. And their mail-in thing seems like a hassle.

So, if anyone has any comments or suggestions, I'd sure appreciate them.

Christopher

"Major vs. Minor Stupidity"

(Written 8/1/11 by ChristopherK2 for the Nice Marylanders Over 35 blog)

An old saying goes something like, "We are all stupid for five minutes a day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit."

I've always thought that a bit simplistic because it doesn't distinguish between levels of stupidity. Shouldn't a major stupidity count, say, five times as much as a minor one?

I'm sure you're asking yourself... Minor? Major? Huh?

Examples of minor stupidities include spilling bleach on a shirt, arriving at work two hours late just for giggles, putting salt in your freshwater fish tank, and lusting after one of Zeeke's Zombies.

Pretty bad, huh? But there's worse, FAR worse, my friends. Here's the sad, sad story of my most recent Major Stupidity.

My fiancee, Pamela, and I were about to head to the local swimming pool for the afternoon. She came out of the bathroom dressed in a lovely new two-piece swimming suit. She twirled to model it and asked me those words every guy dreads hearing, "Does this make my ass look fat?"

I thought back to how well I was prepared for this moment, all the training over my life from various women, the long discussions about it with other men, and...

Then she said "Well???" Apparently I had been fondly recalling my preparations without ever actually saying the word, and was just sitting there with that Dead Trout Look. I quickly blurted out "NO!!!" But it was way too late; I was toast.

Her quick "That's IT??? Just a 'No'?" started me sweating heavily.

At this point I was only in Minor Stupidity territory. But I then forgot another old adage ("When you've dug yourself into a hole, the first rule is 'Stop Digging'"). So I quickly moved into Major Stupidity level.

When under stress, I often go into Hyperbole Mode. So I spewed out, "Sorry dear, I was just mesmerized by your mounting glory of a derriere."

I might as well have kicked her dog. She went into THAT look that says "You ain't getting ANY anytime soon!" and snarled, "You think my ass looks like a Mounting Glory?!?!?!?"

In hindsight, it was really a lot like watching Eddie Murray go after a high fast ball. But at the time, I had other concerns. I had nowhere to go and nothing worthwhile to say. So I apologized profusely and promised to buy her some very expensive chocolate.

We eventually made it to the swimming pool and just to rub my nose in it, every time she headed to the diving board--as she walked away--she wiggled her butt a bit and tugged the bottom of her suit over the non-existent flab.

She's a size 6-8 and so has a delightful butt. And I'm sometimes Majorly Stupid.

I would, however, appreciate any help y'all can provide. It would be great if each of you emailed her at PamelasAssDoesNOTLookFatInThat@aol.com with some kind words. And Guys, please add something disgusting like "I want to do you right HERE, right NOW" so I look like comparatively less of a pig. Thanks...

Oh, and I have the same question for y'all that Pamela had for me on the way home from the pool: What the heck is a "mounting glory"??? I hate it when random neurons fire in the deep recesses of my brain.